Back When Insults Had Class

Glorious insults from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words ...

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

“He had delusions of adequacy ."

Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. "

Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx

Thanks to Sally Kellock for sending them.

Quotes On Aging, thanks to Sally Kellock

 "To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde 

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir

“I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

 "Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson 

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." George Burns

"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg

 “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” Robert Orben 

 “I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed."  Unknown

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us,  at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us,  at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." Unknown

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone. - Andy Rooney

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope 

"I don't do alcohol anymore I get the same effect just standing up fast. "Anonymous

By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. - George Burns

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner 

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett 

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg 

"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." Josh Billings 

"At my age getting lucky means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." Unknown 

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu 

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