COVID Humor. Really?

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Jokes from

The HUMOR Project's

Laughing Matters E-mail Newsletter

Thanks to Joel Goodman, Founder & Director, The HUMOR Project, Inc.

Unfortunately, COVID-19 (and its mutations) are still with us. We need our sense of humor to stick with us. Here are 19 invitations to laugh in the face of COVID-19. Thanks to Jenny Mirling, Taffy Colker, Nancy Fairbanks, and Linda Nyquist for getting us started.

Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It's a long story...

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

Due to the quarantine, I'll only be telling inside jokes.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I don't think anyone expected that when we last changed the clocks that we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see a trailer.

Do you ever go out and while you're out, you think, "This is exactly why I don't go out!"

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row now.

OK, if we're going to have one-way grocery aisles, then I'm going to need a passing lane.

Question: If 2020 was a drink, what would it be? Answer: colonoscopy prep.

During the coronavirus daze, I'd like to thank whomever told my mother that WTF means, "Wow, That's Fantastic!" Her texts are so much more fun now.

Being stuck at home, as I watch the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused. Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.

Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

On average a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours per day. This is the same as an adult at home under quarantine, which is why we call it a "Pandemic."

The amount of jokes about coronavirus has reached worrying numbers. Scientists claim we are in the middle of a pundemic.

Snow White is down to 6 Dwarfs. Sneezy has been placed in quarantine.

Thanks to Maria Harris for sending these.

Ideas from the Health and Wellness Committee

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A December 31 Letter from Ellen Woods at Phelps Hospital about COVID Vaccine Availability

Some of you have been asking about your eligibility to receive the coronavirus vaccine. I just received clarification on the distribution in NYS.

Each state can make their own determination as to whom and when the vaccines are distributed, hence why Florida is currently vaccinating seniors while NYS is not.

The state has designated locations for distribution of the vaccine. Phelps has been assigned to handle vaccines for its employees and EMS workers. The state has not indicated whether we will be involved in mass distribution.

The distribution of the vaccines are solely being handled by the state. They will notify the public about their eligibility and designated locations. If selected, Phelps’ role will be to give injections only and not be involved in the logistics of the process.

At this time, there is a reasonable expectation that seniors will be eligible in late January/early February.

I will continue to update you as information is released. As of today, the state has not advised Phelps of any additional information.

Have a Happy new Year.

Ellen Woods, Program Director Vitality and Caregiver Program Phelps Hospital
701 North Broadway
Residence Building
Sleepy Hollow, NY 10591
914-366-3937
ewoods3@northwell.edu

EDITOR’S NOTE: Her letter deals with vaccine availability for seniors in NY State in general. We do not know at this time whether residents of Kendal will be considered differently because they reside in a senior living facility.

Another Take on 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

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‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the land Not a soul was experiencing the year they had planned. The facemasks hung drying by the chimney with care In hopes that a vaccine soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds While visions of playdates danced in their heads.

And pa in his sweatpants and I in my wrap Had just settled in for our seventh nightcap. When there on the news there arose such a clatter I unmuted the dial to see what was the matter. Another bleak figure filled with despair Awaited the viewers who joined them on air.

As a year on the books, this one royally blew All thanks to a mutated strain of bat flu. When what to my weary eyes should appear But a doctor from Brooklyn and a message so clear. With an accent I found both soothing and grouchy, I knew in an instant it must be our Fauci.

More trusted than gospel, the words he proclaimed. And listeners hushed as he praised them by name. “Go doctors! Go nurses! Go grocery store clerkers! On teachers! On truckers! On all frontline workers! Flatten that curve, bend it down small, Vaccinate, Vaccinate, Vaccinate all!”

But just at that moment, misinformation was spreading, Faster than covid at an unmasked wedding. Through the internet, these lies, how they flew, Via twitter, and Newsmax, and your weird uncle, too. Then, rising through the air like a sourdough starter Came a comforting voice telling us to be smarter.

As I leaned in to hear Almost-President Biden I felt my blood pressure slowly subsidin’. His eyes, how they twinkled! His teeth, how bright white! Could it be possible, we might be alright? “Hang on, gang,” he said. “We’ll take it from here, To end the pandemic, our mission is clear.

“With that, I’ll hand it back over to Tony, Who will tell you how to avoid this fake news baloney.” A wink of his eye and Fauci was back To explain how to avoid the frauds and the quacks. “To get back to normal will require some work, Like masking, and zooming, and not being a jerk.”

“So be kind to your neighbor and trust what is true From PhD scientists, not YouTube gurus.” Twenty-six days until the momentous swear-in And away goes this year, like the repute of a Karen. But I heard him exclaim as I nipped at my flask,

“ENJOY CHRISTMAS AT HOME AND WEAR YOUR DAMN MASK!”


Here's a Paleobiologist's version of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"

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Here’s a Holiday Poem by David Bottjer (Marilyn’s son) for the paleobiologically inclined, with apologies to Clement Moore, who wrote the original in 1822! Thank you, Marilyn, for sending it.

‘Twas the night before the Cryogenian,

When all over Earth

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even an Archaeon.

The stromatolites were growing in the lagoon with care,

In hopes that Charles Darwin soon would be there.

The protozoans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of metazoans danced in their heads.

And Earth with her glaciers, as well as cap carbonate,

Had just settled in for a long evolutionary stalemate.

When out in the sea there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my microbial mat to see what was the matter.

Along the seafloor I flew like a flash,

With amazing new creatures,

They made quite a splash.

The moon on the breast of the seafloor we know

Gave a luster of midday to the Ediacara Biota below.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But a miniature sleigh pulled by a group of stem animals.

With a little old driver so lively and fun,

I knew right away it must be Charles Darwin!

More rapid than trilobites the Cambrian Explosion it came,

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

“Now, Cloudina! now Treptichnus! now, Anomalocaris and Hallucigenia!

On, Wiwaxia! on Archaeocyatha! on Helicoplacus and Opabinia!

From the depths of the sea! to nearshore sands be they all!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away, all!”

As biomineralized skeletons before the wild hurricane fly,

As they form into reefs and grow up to the sky,

So up to the shoreline the coursers they flew,

With a sleigh full of plants and animals – and Charles Darwin too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the land

The prancing and pawing of Acanthostega in a band.

As I viewed all the volcanoes and was turning around

Down Pangea Charles Darwin came with a bound.

He had been crossing Siberian Traps, sometimes by foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of archosaurs he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes had studied barnacles and finches, how merry!

He had done many experiments with earthworms, to bury!

The hat on his head was not set too low,

And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.

A book that he wrote he held tight in his hands,

And the ideas in it had encircled the lands.

He had such experience from invertebrates to the eagle,

Much of which he had gained on his voyage with the Beagle.

He was watching the sky, a right jolly old elf,

When a visitor arrived from the asteroid belt.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word but let evolution work,

And it filled all the niches with mammals, lizards and birds.

And laying a finger aside of his nose,

Back to 2020 he rose.

He sprang to his electric vehicle, to the Modern Fauna gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Get that Global Warming under control if you want a Good Night!”

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Photographs of life at Kendal on Hudson are by residents.