Another Take on 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

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‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the land Not a soul was experiencing the year they had planned. The facemasks hung drying by the chimney with care In hopes that a vaccine soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds While visions of playdates danced in their heads.

And pa in his sweatpants and I in my wrap Had just settled in for our seventh nightcap. When there on the news there arose such a clatter I unmuted the dial to see what was the matter. Another bleak figure filled with despair Awaited the viewers who joined them on air.

As a year on the books, this one royally blew All thanks to a mutated strain of bat flu. When what to my weary eyes should appear But a doctor from Brooklyn and a message so clear. With an accent I found both soothing and grouchy, I knew in an instant it must be our Fauci.

More trusted than gospel, the words he proclaimed. And listeners hushed as he praised them by name. “Go doctors! Go nurses! Go grocery store clerkers! On teachers! On truckers! On all frontline workers! Flatten that curve, bend it down small, Vaccinate, Vaccinate, Vaccinate all!”

But just at that moment, misinformation was spreading, Faster than covid at an unmasked wedding. Through the internet, these lies, how they flew, Via twitter, and Newsmax, and your weird uncle, too. Then, rising through the air like a sourdough starter Came a comforting voice telling us to be smarter.

As I leaned in to hear Almost-President Biden I felt my blood pressure slowly subsidin’. His eyes, how they twinkled! His teeth, how bright white! Could it be possible, we might be alright? “Hang on, gang,” he said. “We’ll take it from here, To end the pandemic, our mission is clear.

“With that, I’ll hand it back over to Tony, Who will tell you how to avoid this fake news baloney.” A wink of his eye and Fauci was back To explain how to avoid the frauds and the quacks. “To get back to normal will require some work, Like masking, and zooming, and not being a jerk.”

“So be kind to your neighbor and trust what is true From PhD scientists, not YouTube gurus.” Twenty-six days until the momentous swear-in And away goes this year, like the repute of a Karen. But I heard him exclaim as I nipped at my flask,

“ENJOY CHRISTMAS AT HOME AND WEAR YOUR DAMN MASK!”


Here's a Paleobiologist's version of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"

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Here’s a Holiday Poem by David Bottjer (Marilyn’s son) for the paleobiologically inclined, with apologies to Clement Moore, who wrote the original in 1822! Thank you, Marilyn, for sending it.

‘Twas the night before the Cryogenian,

When all over Earth

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even an Archaeon.

The stromatolites were growing in the lagoon with care,

In hopes that Charles Darwin soon would be there.

The protozoans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of metazoans danced in their heads.

And Earth with her glaciers, as well as cap carbonate,

Had just settled in for a long evolutionary stalemate.

When out in the sea there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my microbial mat to see what was the matter.

Along the seafloor I flew like a flash,

With amazing new creatures,

They made quite a splash.

The moon on the breast of the seafloor we know

Gave a luster of midday to the Ediacara Biota below.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But a miniature sleigh pulled by a group of stem animals.

With a little old driver so lively and fun,

I knew right away it must be Charles Darwin!

More rapid than trilobites the Cambrian Explosion it came,

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

“Now, Cloudina! now Treptichnus! now, Anomalocaris and Hallucigenia!

On, Wiwaxia! on Archaeocyatha! on Helicoplacus and Opabinia!

From the depths of the sea! to nearshore sands be they all!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away, all!”

As biomineralized skeletons before the wild hurricane fly,

As they form into reefs and grow up to the sky,

So up to the shoreline the coursers they flew,

With a sleigh full of plants and animals – and Charles Darwin too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the land

The prancing and pawing of Acanthostega in a band.

As I viewed all the volcanoes and was turning around

Down Pangea Charles Darwin came with a bound.

He had been crossing Siberian Traps, sometimes by foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of archosaurs he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes had studied barnacles and finches, how merry!

He had done many experiments with earthworms, to bury!

The hat on his head was not set too low,

And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.

A book that he wrote he held tight in his hands,

And the ideas in it had encircled the lands.

He had such experience from invertebrates to the eagle,

Much of which he had gained on his voyage with the Beagle.

He was watching the sky, a right jolly old elf,

When a visitor arrived from the asteroid belt.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word but let evolution work,

And it filled all the niches with mammals, lizards and birds.

And laying a finger aside of his nose,

Back to 2020 he rose.

He sprang to his electric vehicle, to the Modern Fauna gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Get that Global Warming under control if you want a Good Night!”

Do You Know Spoonerisms?

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Spoonerisms are named after a real person, the Rev. William Archibald Spooner of Oxford in the U.K., who constantly peppered his sermons and announcements with bloopers like the following:

“The meeting will be halled in the hell below.”

“You hissed my mystery lecture.”

“You’ll have an opportunity to greet our queer old Dean.”

“If you don’t do so, you have very mad banners.”

Thanks to Doris Eder for sending them.

Enduring and Impermanent: A History of Mural Painting Tuesday, December 15 at 7pm via Zoom

Presented by Morgan Ridler, PhD.

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Register by clicking here

In this lecture, art historian Morgan Ridler, PhD, traces the history of mural painting from the earliest examples by our prehistoric ancestors through the contemporary period, with a particular focus on temporary or destroyed murals of the twentieth century. Murals are never forever but their ideas can live on.

Morgan Ridler is an art historian based in Sleepy Hollow, New York. Dr. Ridler's current research focuses on Bauhaus wall painting, wallpaper and collaborations between painter and architect. She has published her work in academic journals and in the edited collection Bauhaus Bodies: Gender, Sexuality, and Body Culture in Modernism’s Legendary Art School (Bloomsbury, 2019). She teaches at The Cooper Union in NY and Montclair State in NJ.

For more information, click here.





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